Fertility Options Coach

This post was originally written when I was pregnant with my daughter. I added it here since it gives so many women so much hope.

Every week I get emails from women who have recently been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Almost all of them say the same thing, “I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to have kids.” I understand that fear because I lived it for more than 15 years. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 19. Just 4 1/2 months ago I peed on what must have been the 100th pregnancy test strip. To my shock and surprise, I found myself staring at two purple lines. I had just remarried 5 months before, how could I have gotten pregnant so quickly without medical help when surgeries, drugs and other interventions had failed?

Within the next 4 hours I repeated that experience with 3 more test sticks. By test number two I was starting to believe I was actually pregnant, but then the fear set in…what if I could not carry this baby to term? Was it safe to get my hopes up? Would I really have this baby? What if this was some kind of weird hormonal thing making the tests come up with false positives?

A trip to my local hospital that evening for a blood test soon confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. Waiting for the test results was the longest two hours of my life. I was so afraid that this test would dash my growing hopes. When the lab technician finally answered the phone and told me that the test was positive I started crying. She asked, “Was this what you wanted to hear?” I managed to complete a sentence between my tears, “I’ve been waiting 15 years to hear those words.”

Pregnancy, for me, has not been easy but now that I am 20 weeks along I am feeling better and the little pokes and kicks I feel from time to time let me know that everything is going to be ok. At 10 weeks, I experienced sudden bleeding and I was again terrified that I was not going to see this baby come to term. The ultrasound brought fresh tears as I saw a perfect tiny baby bouncing around like a ping pong ball, not just “wiggling” like the pregnancy books said it would. The bleeding was not affecting the baby at all, though there was a large blood clot in my uterus.

I spent the next several weeks on bed rest as much as possible, a reality that was made easier to endure because I was so incredibly nauseated that I was throwing up several times a day. Even sitting up in bed or looking at a computer screen made me lose my lunch (or breakfast, or dinner, or anything else I dared to eat or drink). My businesses suffered as I went from working 18 hours a day to barely managing to get out of bed for most of 3 months.

Just as the nausea started to diminish (still sick to my stomach a lot, but way better than before), the pregnancy hormones made my carpal tunnel syndrome so severe that it wakens me several times throughout the night. Through it all, I just keep looking at that ultrasound photo of my baby and reminding myself that this little one is worth it. At 16 weeks an ultrasound showed that the blood clot was gone, and that our little girl (yes, it’s a girl!) is growing perfectly.

Why am I pregnant now instead of when I was trying so hard to get pregnant? I have thought a lot about this while I suppress the desire to punch the people who keep saying things like “All you needed to do was relax!” I was not particularly relaxed when I got pregnant. I was frustrated and angry that my body was not cooperating. My periods were like clockwork, yet that month I did not ovulate on day 14, or 15, or 16…I did not ovulate until day 24, based on my due date. While I am sure there is an element that is beyond my comprehension, I believe that my body was finally ready for a baby. I was taking my herbs, vitamins and Omega-3 EFA I was at a good weight for me. I was sleeping more than I used to. I was finally in a relationship without conflict. I believe that these and many other factors are what made my body ready for a baby.

Having experienced infertility for so long, I know that I’ll cherish this child. People say things like, “Wait until she is two!” I can’t wait until she is two, or even 13! I am so excited to meet this little one. I am under no illusions that parenting will be easy, but I do know that every day of her life I will thank God that I have gotten the chance to mother this child.

O Day: Positive ovulation predictor test yesterday. Perfect BBT temperature chart so far. Tons of cervical mucus. It is working. Please let this be the perfect egg. And his eyes. I want the baby to have his eyes. If I get pregnant today, my due date will be…just a week before his birthday. How perfect would that be?

4 DPO (days past ovulation): I think I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t know already can I? My mom said she could tell from day 1 with her first baby. Maybe I really am pregnant. Thank goodness, no more infertility treatments, no more stupid questions about when we are planning to have kids.

7 DPO: I can start testing Thursday. No, wait, the tests say they might work as early as Monday. Maybe I should, just so I know for sure. I mean, they say to start being careful about your diet from the beginning. How will I know I need to be careful unless I test early. Well, a doughnut now won’t hurt the baby.

12 DPO: If I test too soon it is a waste of a test. Besides, those things add up. And a negative test will just depress me. I need to know. I hate suspense, I just need to know! White, just pure white where that line should be. This is only day 12! Of course, it just doesn’t work yet. I might BE pregnant.

13 DPO: Is that a line? There is a little bit of a different color where the positive line is supposed to be. Kind of. Wait, no, that is a trick of the light. Evaporation lines? A really light positive. No, it has been ten minutes. I will NOT cry.

14 DPO 7 AM: I am not even going to test. My temp chart is still up. Testing again will jinx it. I’ll wait until next week and the positive will be so dark I can’t mistake it. My period will start today if I am not pregnant anyway.

14 DPO 10 AM: I will NOT test yet. Dangit, was that a cramp. That felt like a cramp. I ca’t get my period. Please, dear Lord, don’t let me get my period. I want a baby, this baby, this month, I need to be pregnant this time. I can’t take another “negative panty test.” No, that wasn’t a cramp. It could have been implantation pains. Right?

14 DPO 10:30 AM: I can’t take it. I need to test NOW. Where is that test?

14 DPO 10:40 AM: I have to STOP crying long enough to go to this meeting. I can do this. We’ll just try again next month. I can do this. Maybe I don’t even want kids. Noisy, messy things. I need to just travel, or get a hobby, or …. Why on earth did I wear mascara today? You’d think I’d learn. What is wrong with me? Why can a 15 year old kid in the back seat of a car do something that I can’t get right even with a team of trained professionals, expensive drugs, temperature charts and a baby-dance card that was punched in time, every time?

15 DPO: Still no period. I must be pregnant. I’m late, the test is just not registering right. I am one of those women who just takes forever to test positive. I think I feel a little sick to my stomach. And tired. I definitely feel tired. See, late period, sick to my stomach, tired. This is our month. I can just feel it.

17 DPO: Three days late. I knew it, we are going to have a spring baby. That is so cool. Maybe I could just surf on over to that cool online store and see the cute stuff. I mean, if I am pregnant, I need to start planning, right? What was that store called… Yes! Little for Now. I’ve waited long enough for this baby. I am doing everything right. No chemicals will pass my child’s lips until they are 18. I’ll breast feed til they potty train. I’ll get it right, cause I have worked too hard for this baby to take even the smallest risk that anything could ever go wrong. I’ll be the perfect mother.

Day 17 3:00 PM: Here I am, slumped against the wall in the bathroom, sobbing so hard I can’t catch my breath. Why was I so stupid? I should have known I wasn’t pregnant. I need to just accept that I will never have a baby. I’ll learn to sew, or paint, or …. Oh, Gid! Why? I know a thousand people who don’t even treat their kids right. Why?

CD 1: I’m going to do it this month, I’ll make sure we baby dance every other day, the whole month, no matter how tired I am. I’ll eat only organic food. I won’t have a sip of caffeine. No white sugar. No white flour. I’ll gag down 20 vitamins and herbs and even use injectables if I must.