Fertility Options Coach

Do you love someone who is infertile? Whether it is your wife, sister, daughter, or friend, it can be difficult to know how to support them without adding to their pain and confusion. I wish I had access to “Do You Love Someone Who is Infertile?” sooner – it would have helped me so much in explaining infertility to my family and friends.

This book is full of great advice for those who want to help a loved one struggling with infertility. The subtitle really says it all, “What you can do to help her, what to say to support her (and what you should never do or say.”

Fertility and infertility are deeply personal concepts that are publicly evaluated on a daily basis. Those for whom having children comes easily may have a hard time understanding the stress of wanting a baby so fully – and not having any assurance that parenthood will ever come. Even total strangers are quick to comment on whether or not you have kids, how many you have, and even how to have them if you aren’t successful on your own.

Family members and friends who mean well, but are misinformed, may add to the pain with comments that stab at the heart. If you have shared your fertility journey with loved ones, you have likely heard the many pieces of advice (“Are you doing it right? Have you tried a six-pack and the back seat of a car? Just relax and it will happen!”).

This book does an excellent job of explaining how to support an infertile loved one without adding to their pain. How much pain would be spared if every family member and friend of someone suffering from infertility were to read this book? Explaining infertility is so hard. For most people, avoiding an unplanned pregnancy is something they focus on quite a bit. Experts say that over half the pregnancies in the US are unplanned. So, for someone who is used to worrying about getting pregnant – the idea that pregnancy is difficult or impossible to achieve is hard to fathom. For the 1 in 6 couples who struggle with infertility, achieving a viable pregnancy is all-consuming.

There are many references to Christianity here, so be aware of that if it is a problem for you.

Filled with real examples and offering advice on dealing with all aspects of infertility, this is a wonderful resource for anyone dealing with infertility – and all of those who love and care for them.

Stress and infertility go hand in hand. While it is not as simple as ‘just relax and it will happen,” taking care of yourself can improve your fertility and lower your stress level. One simple but often overlooked way to boost your fertility is to get enough sleep.

I know, it sounds silly at first, but if you look at the chemistry of sleep you will see that chronic sleep deprivation can contribute to infertility. Melatonin (a hormone produced during sleep) is also important in regulating fertility.

* Weight gain and infertility are closely linked, especially in those with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Several studies have shown that getting less than 7 hours of sleep each night can lead to weight gain and insulin resistance. Excess insulin is a known factor in infertility and PCOS.

* Your body operates on a daily cycle called the circadian rhythm. At precise times throughout the day and night your brain sends messages to different hormone systems. When you don’t get enough sleep, or your sleep schedule is erratic, this precise timing is thrown off. Every hormone system in your body is thrown out off kilter when your circadian rhythms are off. Getting enough sleep allows your body to restablish those rhytms and get your hormones working properly again.

* Your body also repairs itself while you sleep. Damaged or inflamed cells are repaired each night. When you don’t get enough sleep, your body does not have time to repair itself. Over time these small areas in need of repair can cause long-term damage to any system in your body.

* Lack of sleep is itself stressful. When you are overtired you are more likely to feel stressed. Not only will you feel more relaxed with more sleep, you are less likely to make the small mistakes and have the small memory lapses that cause day-to-day stress to increase. When you are fuzzy from lack of sleep you may lose your keys, spill coffee on your work shirt, leave for work late or any number of other things that take an ordinary day into a stress-filled nightmare.

* Depression is a well-known side effect of lack of sleep. When you are depressed you are less likely to take good care of your body including eating right and exercising – a good diet and moderate exercise can increase your chances of fertility as well.

Getting enough sleep may not get you pregnant, but it can improve your chances. Besides, when you are well rested you are more likely to have the energy to try for a baby!

Infertility weighs on your mind and swallows up your life. You wait for your cycle to begin so you can start treatment or get blood tests. You wait to see if you will ovulate this month. You wait for insemination or the perfect day to make a baby. Then you enter the dreaded “two-week-wait.” Once you wait for the pregnancy test results you start waiting to ovulate again. All this waiting can drive you crazy but it can also be the perfect time to finish projects or learn new things that you won’t have time for once the baby finally arrives.

Most people who experience infertility do eventually have a baby and many more adopt so it is a good idea to use this time wisely. In addition to giving you time you won’t have post-baby, using your waiting time wisely can make the infertility waiting much more bearable.

Here are some ideas for ways to use this time:

1. Take a vacation. Not only can a vacation help reduce your stress levels, making pregnancy that much more likely, it can also be a time to reconnect with your spouse. Infertility takes a toll on relationships and some time together can help you remember why you got together in the first place. Even if you are short on funds you can usually find a little money for an inexpensive weekend trip.

2. Keep a journal. Journal writing can reduce stress too and has been shown to improve your health. In addition, keeping a journal of this time can be a wonderful record for your child of how very much you wanted to have them.

3. Learn to knit. Knitting and other repetitive crafts can help to calm your mind and reduce stress. Now is the perfect time to knit that heirloom baby sweater set you always wanted for your child or you can make yourself a sweater or learn to make felted knits for handbags and other great items. Knitting (or crochet) gives you a very small thing to focus on when everything else seems to big. It is also an excellent activity for waiting rooms. Click here to get the popular knitting guide Stitch N Bitch: The Knitting Handbook

4. Scrapbook your past. While it can be difficult to look at your own baby pictures when you are suffering from infertility depression, now is the perfect time to scrapbook your relationship or your teen years. Not only is this a project you’ll never have time for with a little one under foot, it is also a great way to remind yourself of the good things in your life.

5. Speaking of good things, a gratitude journal can help to raise our spirits when infertility gets you down. Start keeping a small bound book with random notes about the things you are grateful for. Writing your blessings can raise your spirits and reading them can help to boost your mood when you can’t muster the energy to write. Try pasting in loving notes from your spouse or cards from friends to help remind you of the wonderful relationships you have.

6. Start your novel. You have always wanted to write a book. Now is the time to get that project under way. While you may initially have trouble focusing, once you put your mind into the project it can be a wonderful way to focus your energies while you wait to take tests. You can even take a laptop, PDA, or notepad to the doctor’s office to work while you wait. Setting reachable goals such as “5 pages per day” or “3 chapters by the end of the two-week-wait” can help to make the project workable. Click here to get the book You Can Write A Novel

7. Learn a sport such as golf or tennis. If the physical activity is ok with your doctor, finding a physical outlet for your stress can make the waiting easier. In addition, sunlight can help to boost your mood.

8. Take a class. Sign up for a community education class or a local art class. Learn to paint, cook Chinese food, garden or make soap. Learning a new skill can be fun, will help you meet new people, and it will give you something else to think about.

9. Study your religion or deepen your spirituality. Now is a time when you need all the faith you can muster. Studying the scriptures, attending mass, or joining a study group can help you to connect to others and reconnect with your faith. Often those who are experiencing infertility withdraw from religious activities because of the feeling that God must be punishing them. Not only is this untrue, it can separate you from your greatest source of strength at just the wrong time.

10. Go out with friends. Again, this is something you won’t have as much time for after your successful infertility treatments. More importantly, women experiencing infertility tend to isolate themselves. It can be difficult being around friends who have babies, but isolation can only deepen your depression and increase your stress level.

11. Start working on your “Life Merit Badges.” There are many things a woman pought to try or learn in her lifetime. Author Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolis offers a practical guide for grown up girls who want to learn new things. This book will have you trying things you never dreamed you’d learn. When your baby finally comes, you’ll have a host of new stories to tell them about their adventure seeking mama. Click here to learn more about You Can Do It: The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls.

This post was originally written when I was pregnant with my daughter. I added it here since it gives so many women so much hope.

Every week I get emails from women who have recently been diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS). Almost all of them say the same thing, “I’m terrified that I’ll never be able to have kids.” I understand that fear because I lived it for more than 15 years. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 19. Just 4 1/2 months ago I peed on what must have been the 100th pregnancy test strip. To my shock and surprise, I found myself staring at two purple lines. I had just remarried 5 months before, how could I have gotten pregnant so quickly without medical help when surgeries, drugs and other interventions had failed?

Within the next 4 hours I repeated that experience with 3 more test sticks. By test number two I was starting to believe I was actually pregnant, but then the fear set in…what if I could not carry this baby to term? Was it safe to get my hopes up? Would I really have this baby? What if this was some kind of weird hormonal thing making the tests come up with false positives?

A trip to my local hospital that evening for a blood test soon confirmed that I was indeed pregnant. Waiting for the test results was the longest two hours of my life. I was so afraid that this test would dash my growing hopes. When the lab technician finally answered the phone and told me that the test was positive I started crying. She asked, “Was this what you wanted to hear?” I managed to complete a sentence between my tears, “I’ve been waiting 15 years to hear those words.”

Pregnancy, for me, has not been easy but now that I am 20 weeks along I am feeling better and the little pokes and kicks I feel from time to time let me know that everything is going to be ok. At 10 weeks, I experienced sudden bleeding and I was again terrified that I was not going to see this baby come to term. The ultrasound brought fresh tears as I saw a perfect tiny baby bouncing around like a ping pong ball, not just “wiggling” like the pregnancy books said it would. The bleeding was not affecting the baby at all, though there was a large blood clot in my uterus.

I spent the next several weeks on bed rest as much as possible, a reality that was made easier to endure because I was so incredibly nauseated that I was throwing up several times a day. Even sitting up in bed or looking at a computer screen made me lose my lunch (or breakfast, or dinner, or anything else I dared to eat or drink). My businesses suffered as I went from working 18 hours a day to barely managing to get out of bed for most of 3 months.

Just as the nausea started to diminish (still sick to my stomach a lot, but way better than before), the pregnancy hormones made my carpal tunnel syndrome so severe that it wakens me several times throughout the night. Through it all, I just keep looking at that ultrasound photo of my baby and reminding myself that this little one is worth it. At 16 weeks an ultrasound showed that the blood clot was gone, and that our little girl (yes, it’s a girl!) is growing perfectly.

Why am I pregnant now instead of when I was trying so hard to get pregnant? I have thought a lot about this while I suppress the desire to punch the people who keep saying things like “All you needed to do was relax!” I was not particularly relaxed when I got pregnant. I was frustrated and angry that my body was not cooperating. My periods were like clockwork, yet that month I did not ovulate on day 14, or 15, or 16…I did not ovulate until day 24, based on my due date. While I am sure there is an element that is beyond my comprehension, I believe that my body was finally ready for a baby. I was taking my herbs, vitamins and Omega-3 EFA I was at a good weight for me. I was sleeping more than I used to. I was finally in a relationship without conflict. I believe that these and many other factors are what made my body ready for a baby.

Having experienced infertility for so long, I know that I’ll cherish this child. People say things like, “Wait until she is two!” I can’t wait until she is two, or even 13! I am so excited to meet this little one. I am under no illusions that parenting will be easy, but I do know that every day of her life I will thank God that I have gotten the chance to mother this child.

O Day: Positive ovulation predictor test yesterday. Perfect BBT temperature chart so far. Tons of cervical mucus. It is working. Please let this be the perfect egg. And his eyes. I want the baby to have his eyes. If I get pregnant today, my due date will be…just a week before his birthday. How perfect would that be?

4 DPO (days past ovulation): I think I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t know already can I? My mom said she could tell from day 1 with her first baby. Maybe I really am pregnant. Thank goodness, no more infertility treatments, no more stupid questions about when we are planning to have kids.

7 DPO: I can start testing Thursday. No, wait, the tests say they might work as early as Monday. Maybe I should, just so I know for sure. I mean, they say to start being careful about your diet from the beginning. How will I know I need to be careful unless I test early. Well, a doughnut now won’t hurt the baby.

12 DPO: If I test too soon it is a waste of a test. Besides, those things add up. And a negative test will just depress me. I need to know. I hate suspense, I just need to know! White, just pure white where that line should be. This is only day 12! Of course, it just doesn’t work yet. I might BE pregnant.

13 DPO: Is that a line? There is a little bit of a different color where the positive line is supposed to be. Kind of. Wait, no, that is a trick of the light. Evaporation lines? A really light positive. No, it has been ten minutes. I will NOT cry.

14 DPO 7 AM: I am not even going to test. My temp chart is still up. Testing again will jinx it. I’ll wait until next week and the positive will be so dark I can’t mistake it. My period will start today if I am not pregnant anyway.

14 DPO 10 AM: I will NOT test yet. Dangit, was that a cramp. That felt like a cramp. I ca’t get my period. Please, dear Lord, don’t let me get my period. I want a baby, this baby, this month, I need to be pregnant this time. I can’t take another “negative panty test.” No, that wasn’t a cramp. It could have been implantation pains. Right?

14 DPO 10:30 AM: I can’t take it. I need to test NOW. Where is that test?

14 DPO 10:40 AM: I have to STOP crying long enough to go to this meeting. I can do this. We’ll just try again next month. I can do this. Maybe I don’t even want kids. Noisy, messy things. I need to just travel, or get a hobby, or …. Why on earth did I wear mascara today? You’d think I’d learn. What is wrong with me? Why can a 15 year old kid in the back seat of a car do something that I can’t get right even with a team of trained professionals, expensive drugs, temperature charts and a baby-dance card that was punched in time, every time?

15 DPO: Still no period. I must be pregnant. I’m late, the test is just not registering right. I am one of those women who just takes forever to test positive. I think I feel a little sick to my stomach. And tired. I definitely feel tired. See, late period, sick to my stomach, tired. This is our month. I can just feel it.

17 DPO: Three days late. I knew it, we are going to have a spring baby. That is so cool. Maybe I could just surf on over to that cool online store and see the cute stuff. I mean, if I am pregnant, I need to start planning, right? What was that store called… Yes! Little for Now. I’ve waited long enough for this baby. I am doing everything right. No chemicals will pass my child’s lips until they are 18. I’ll breast feed til they potty train. I’ll get it right, cause I have worked too hard for this baby to take even the smallest risk that anything could ever go wrong. I’ll be the perfect mother.

Day 17 3:00 PM: Here I am, slumped against the wall in the bathroom, sobbing so hard I can’t catch my breath. Why was I so stupid? I should have known I wasn’t pregnant. I need to just accept that I will never have a baby. I’ll learn to sew, or paint, or …. Oh, Gid! Why? I know a thousand people who don’t even treat their kids right. Why?

CD 1: I’m going to do it this month, I’ll make sure we baby dance every other day, the whole month, no matter how tired I am. I’ll eat only organic food. I won’t have a sip of caffeine. No white sugar. No white flour. I’ll gag down 20 vitamins and herbs and even use injectables if I must.