Fertility Options Coach

For more than 17 years, Mother’s Day was one of the worst days of the year for me. It is an in-your-face reminder that I can’t seem to manage something that 15 year olds do in the back of cars every day. This article was written before my daughter was born. I have included it without major edits since it reflects what it feels like to be in the darkness of infertility without any way of knowing when the light will come.

Two weeks ago I was staring at what must be my hundredth pregnancy test, willing the second line to appear. “Please God, this time, let me be pregnant. I can’t take another failure.” I had been muttering these words for the last two weeks. When that one lonely line appeared on the test, I told myself it was ok. I’d make it through this, again.

My husband and I were on our way back from a conference on polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is one of the reasons I am in this infertility boat. I started driving north out of Arizona. About 20 miles of highway flew under our wheels before I was forced to pull over when the road started floating in my tears. My husband drove for the next three hours as I cried myself to sleep, woke and cried some more. My brain said we could, and would, try again. My heart felt as exposed and desolate as the wind-sculpted red cliffs around us. The twisted sagebrush desperately sought moisture from the desert soil. I wondered if my womb was as desolate as the sun baked clay. Did a fertilized egg seek that frantically to find sustenance within my body—and fail?

By nightfall the sight of red blood silenced any fantasies that the test might be wrong. It was more than just menstrual hormones that kept me in tears over the next week. Just days before the insemination we learned that we would never have a baby without help—and expensive donor sperm. I know that our financial and emotional stamina is limited, so each attempt feels like my only chance—even though I know it isn’t. I know that even if we run out of fertility options that we will someday have enough saved for an adoption and we’ll probably even find an agency that will give us a baby despite my husband’s health. Knowing this doesn’t help much. My heart still feels like an empty piñata. I wonder if the next swing will bust it wide open.

I’d already taken an emotional beating long before I started the infertility treatments. Nearly five years ago, while I was still single and living in Virginia, a social worker at a Washington, DC, foster adoption agency told me she was looking for permanent homes for four babies. She promised me that if my file was complete in the next 30 days one of those babies would be placed with me. I needed one signature from one person to complete that file. When that person finally followed through and signed that paper after five months, it was too late.

Red tape started to fly between the various agencies and the state border was closed to children from DC. I begged the state of Virginia to place a child with me. I offered to take older children, sibling groups, children of any race, pored over web sites asking about child after child. After 18 months I sold my house. The handpainted clouds still floated over the wild animal border in an unused nursery. I’m not ready to go the public adoption road again and we don’t have the money for a private infant adoption right now.

I’m an active griever. Since I closed the door to that unused nursery I have lived in 5 states, changed careers, written two books, and found a million reasons to smile. No matter how busy I keep myself, my arms stay empty.

I believe we will be parents someday, but each day I struggle to maintain that hope and faith as I see and hear of children who are neglected or abused. When I hear of murdered children or hear a parent explain why they left three small children alone in a car while they ran into a store, I think of the hundreds of infertile women I have talked to over the years I have worked with women who suffer with PCOS. Each time, I pray that these women will each find the peace and healing they need and, if possible, someone to call them “Mommy” next year.

Chronic, hidden inflammation is quickly becoming the most talked about medical phenomenon as study after study shows that inflammation is at the root of some kinds of infertility, PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), heart disease, weight gain, diabetes, certain cancers, asthma and a host of auto-immune diseases. If you have PCOS or unexplained infertility, you may find that an anti-inflammation diet reduces your symptoms and increases your fertility. Dr. Sears, the well-known author of the bestselling Zone books has written a comprehensive explanation of how foods cause the diseases we are now seeing in epidemic proportions. Better yet, he explains how we can simply and easily treat these problems by changing what we eat.

Includes recipes, a gentle exercise program, and loads of references to the studies on which he bases his conclusions. Reducing inflammation is the key to treating the diseases we are all interested in preventing. Inflammation may also be at the root of many cases of infertility. Chronic inflammation can interfere with hormone production, cause swelling and circulation problems for the ovaries and other organs, and lead to auto-immune diseases such as celiac disease and thyroid problems.

Well-written in an easy to understand manner as are his other books, this one seems to have worked out some of the kinks in his earlier systems. Eating an anti-inflammatory diet makes it much, much easier to lose weight and restore your health. It seems so simple couldn’t be true, but the science is there to back it up. Eating this way can reduce cholesterol, reduce your risk of heart disease and diabetes, and improve your overall health. The healthier you are the better your fertility. Many studies have linked PCOS to chronic inflammation. Future studies will undoubtedly prove that inflammation is at the root of many other cases of infertility. Highly recommended!

Do you love someone who is infertile? Whether it is your wife, sister, daughter, or friend, it can be difficult to know how to support them without adding to their pain and confusion. I wish I had access to “Do You Love Someone Who is Infertile?” sooner – it would have helped me so much in explaining infertility to my family and friends.

This book is full of great advice for those who want to help a loved one struggling with infertility. The subtitle really says it all, “What you can do to help her, what to say to support her (and what you should never do or say.”

Fertility and infertility are deeply personal concepts that are publicly evaluated on a daily basis. Those for whom having children comes easily may have a hard time understanding the stress of wanting a baby so fully – and not having any assurance that parenthood will ever come. Even total strangers are quick to comment on whether or not you have kids, how many you have, and even how to have them if you aren’t successful on your own.

Family members and friends who mean well, but are misinformed, may add to the pain with comments that stab at the heart. If you have shared your fertility journey with loved ones, you have likely heard the many pieces of advice (“Are you doing it right? Have you tried a six-pack and the back seat of a car? Just relax and it will happen!”).

This book does an excellent job of explaining how to support an infertile loved one without adding to their pain. How much pain would be spared if every family member and friend of someone suffering from infertility were to read this book? Explaining infertility is so hard. For most people, avoiding an unplanned pregnancy is something they focus on quite a bit. Experts say that over half the pregnancies in the US are unplanned. So, for someone who is used to worrying about getting pregnant – the idea that pregnancy is difficult or impossible to achieve is hard to fathom. For the 1 in 6 couples who struggle with infertility, achieving a viable pregnancy is all-consuming.

There are many references to Christianity here, so be aware of that if it is a problem for you.

Filled with real examples and offering advice on dealing with all aspects of infertility, this is a wonderful resource for anyone dealing with infertility – and all of those who love and care for them.

Stress and infertility go hand in hand. While it is not as simple as ‘just relax and it will happen,” taking care of yourself can improve your fertility and lower your stress level. One simple but often overlooked way to boost your fertility is to get enough sleep.

I know, it sounds silly at first, but if you look at the chemistry of sleep you will see that chronic sleep deprivation can contribute to infertility. Melatonin (a hormone produced during sleep) is also important in regulating fertility.

* Weight gain and infertility are closely linked, especially in those with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). Several studies have shown that getting less than 7 hours of sleep each night can lead to weight gain and insulin resistance. Excess insulin is a known factor in infertility and PCOS.

* Your body operates on a daily cycle called the circadian rhythm. At precise times throughout the day and night your brain sends messages to different hormone systems. When you don’t get enough sleep, or your sleep schedule is erratic, this precise timing is thrown off. Every hormone system in your body is thrown out off kilter when your circadian rhythms are off. Getting enough sleep allows your body to restablish those rhytms and get your hormones working properly again.

* Your body also repairs itself while you sleep. Damaged or inflamed cells are repaired each night. When you don’t get enough sleep, your body does not have time to repair itself. Over time these small areas in need of repair can cause long-term damage to any system in your body.

* Lack of sleep is itself stressful. When you are overtired you are more likely to feel stressed. Not only will you feel more relaxed with more sleep, you are less likely to make the small mistakes and have the small memory lapses that cause day-to-day stress to increase. When you are fuzzy from lack of sleep you may lose your keys, spill coffee on your work shirt, leave for work late or any number of other things that take an ordinary day into a stress-filled nightmare.

* Depression is a well-known side effect of lack of sleep. When you are depressed you are less likely to take good care of your body including eating right and exercising – a good diet and moderate exercise can increase your chances of fertility as well.

Getting enough sleep may not get you pregnant, but it can improve your chances. Besides, when you are well rested you are more likely to have the energy to try for a baby!

Infertility weighs on your mind and swallows up your life. You wait for your cycle to begin so you can start treatment or get blood tests. You wait to see if you will ovulate this month. You wait for insemination or the perfect day to make a baby. Then you enter the dreaded “two-week-wait.” Once you wait for the pregnancy test results you start waiting to ovulate again. All this waiting can drive you crazy but it can also be the perfect time to finish projects or learn new things that you won’t have time for once the baby finally arrives.

Most people who experience infertility do eventually have a baby and many more adopt so it is a good idea to use this time wisely. In addition to giving you time you won’t have post-baby, using your waiting time wisely can make the infertility waiting much more bearable.

Here are some ideas for ways to use this time:

1. Take a vacation. Not only can a vacation help reduce your stress levels, making pregnancy that much more likely, it can also be a time to reconnect with your spouse. Infertility takes a toll on relationships and some time together can help you remember why you got together in the first place. Even if you are short on funds you can usually find a little money for an inexpensive weekend trip.

2. Keep a journal. Journal writing can reduce stress too and has been shown to improve your health. In addition, keeping a journal of this time can be a wonderful record for your child of how very much you wanted to have them.

3. Learn to knit. Knitting and other repetitive crafts can help to calm your mind and reduce stress. Now is the perfect time to knit that heirloom baby sweater set you always wanted for your child or you can make yourself a sweater or learn to make felted knits for handbags and other great items. Knitting (or crochet) gives you a very small thing to focus on when everything else seems to big. It is also an excellent activity for waiting rooms. Click here to get the popular knitting guide Stitch N Bitch: The Knitting Handbook

4. Scrapbook your past. While it can be difficult to look at your own baby pictures when you are suffering from infertility depression, now is the perfect time to scrapbook your relationship or your teen years. Not only is this a project you’ll never have time for with a little one under foot, it is also a great way to remind yourself of the good things in your life.

5. Speaking of good things, a gratitude journal can help to raise our spirits when infertility gets you down. Start keeping a small bound book with random notes about the things you are grateful for. Writing your blessings can raise your spirits and reading them can help to boost your mood when you can’t muster the energy to write. Try pasting in loving notes from your spouse or cards from friends to help remind you of the wonderful relationships you have.

6. Start your novel. You have always wanted to write a book. Now is the time to get that project under way. While you may initially have trouble focusing, once you put your mind into the project it can be a wonderful way to focus your energies while you wait to take tests. You can even take a laptop, PDA, or notepad to the doctor’s office to work while you wait. Setting reachable goals such as “5 pages per day” or “3 chapters by the end of the two-week-wait” can help to make the project workable. Click here to get the book You Can Write A Novel

7. Learn a sport such as golf or tennis. If the physical activity is ok with your doctor, finding a physical outlet for your stress can make the waiting easier. In addition, sunlight can help to boost your mood.

8. Take a class. Sign up for a community education class or a local art class. Learn to paint, cook Chinese food, garden or make soap. Learning a new skill can be fun, will help you meet new people, and it will give you something else to think about.

9. Study your religion or deepen your spirituality. Now is a time when you need all the faith you can muster. Studying the scriptures, attending mass, or joining a study group can help you to connect to others and reconnect with your faith. Often those who are experiencing infertility withdraw from religious activities because of the feeling that God must be punishing them. Not only is this untrue, it can separate you from your greatest source of strength at just the wrong time.

10. Go out with friends. Again, this is something you won’t have as much time for after your successful infertility treatments. More importantly, women experiencing infertility tend to isolate themselves. It can be difficult being around friends who have babies, but isolation can only deepen your depression and increase your stress level.

11. Start working on your “Life Merit Badges.” There are many things a woman pought to try or learn in her lifetime. Author Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolis offers a practical guide for grown up girls who want to learn new things. This book will have you trying things you never dreamed you’d learn. When your baby finally comes, you’ll have a host of new stories to tell them about their adventure seeking mama. Click here to learn more about You Can Do It: The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls.