Two weeks ago I was staring at what must be my hundredth pregnancy test, willing the second line to appear. “Please God, this time, let me be pregnant. I can’t take another failure.” I had been muttering these words for the last two weeks. When that one lonely line appeared on the test, I told myself it was ok. I’d make it through this, again.

My husband and I were on our way back from a conference on polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). PCOS is one of the reasons I am in this infertility boat. I started driving north out of Arizona. About 20 miles of highway flew under our wheels before I was forced to pull over when the road started floating in my tears. My husband drove for the next three hours as I cried myself to sleep, woke and cried some more. My brain said we could, and would, try again. My heart felt as exposed and desolate as the wind-sculpted red cliffs around us. The twisted sagebrush desperately sought moisture from the desert soil. I wondered if my womb was as desolate as the sun baked clay. Did a fertilized egg seek that frantically to find sustenance within my body—and fail?

By nightfall the sight of red blood silenced any fantasies that the test might be wrong. It was more than just menstrual hormones that kept me in tears over the next week. Just days before the insemination we learned that we would never have a baby without help—and expensive donor sperm. I know that our financial and emotional stamina is limited, so each attempt feels like my only chance—even though I know it isn’t. I know that even if we run out of fertility options that we will someday have enough saved for an adoption and we’ll probably even find an agency that will give us a baby despite my husband’s health. Knowing this doesn’t help much. My heart still feels like an empty piñata. I wonder if the next swing will bust it wide open.

I’d already taken an emotional beating long before I started the infertility treatments. Nearly five years ago, while I was still single and living in Virginia, a social worker at a Washington, DC, foster adoption agency told me she was looking for permanent homes for four babies. She promised me that if my file was complete in the next 30 days one of those babies would be placed with me. I needed one signature from one person to complete that file. When that person finally followed through and signed that paper after five months, it was too late.

Red tape started to fly between the various agencies and the state border was closed to children from DC. I begged the state of Virginia to place a child with me. I offered to take older children, sibling groups, children of any race, pored over web sites asking about child after child. After 18 months I sold my house. The handpainted clouds still floated over the wild animal border in an unused nursery. I’m not ready to go the public adoption road again and we don’t have the money for a private infant adoption right now.

I’m an active griever. Since I closed the door to that unused nursery I have lived in 5 states, changed careers, written two books, and found a million reasons to smile. No matter how busy I keep myself, my arms stay empty.

I believe we will be parents someday, but each day I struggle to maintain that hope and faith as I see and hear of children who are neglected or abused. When I hear of murdered children or hear a parent explain why they left three small children alone in a car while they ran into a store, I think of the hundreds of infertile women I have talked to over the years I have worked with women who suffer with PCOS. Each time, I pray that these women will each find the peace and healing they need and, if possible, someone to call them “Mommy” next year.

* Consider skipping family events and doing something else that day. For some, attending a family event with seemingly endlessly fertile family members can be really hard. If these events ae really hard for you, consider letting your mom (or mom-in-law) know that even though you love them, it is just too painful for you to participate so you will see them at another time.

* If you do decide to do your own thing on Mother’s day, consider whether a good walk, a movie, or some other simple event will give you a chance to put your mind on other things. If you are experiencing severe grief or depression, you may not feel like doing much of anything, but you will feel better if you go somewhere and do something. I often spent hard days at a coffee shop or bookstore with my journal. If this is too personal for you to experience in public, consider doing some journal time at home with a treat such as a favorite movie.

* If you must participate in a family event, try to spend some time alone before hand so you can regroup and work through your feelings. If the family always had brunch on Sunday with mom, plan a quiet journal session the night before so you can work through your feelings before you are facing a lot of people.

* Holidays can also be a good time to paint the bathroom or clear the weeds out of the garden. Activities can help lift your spirit and give you a constructive outlet for our stress.

Whatever you choose, keep in mind that while your arms may be empty today, there is always hope for tomorrow. This year will be my first Mother’s day with a child of my own. However, the year before I got pregnant was one of the worst Mother’s days I have had as I was just about to divorce and wondering if I would ever have a baby. Life is unpredictable and this may be your last Mother’s day without a baby.

There are approximately 500,000 children in foster care in the US at any given time. Many of those children will never be able to return to their birth families. Some will be available for adoption, others will stay in the system until they are 18 – when they will be left to their own devices without the supports that a family traditionally offers.

Single foster parenting is challenging. You have no one else to lean on when times get tough – and they will get tough. Children who have been abused or neglected, the vast majority of those in foster care, are often difficult. They may be angry, scared, depressed or numbed out. They may do anything from the typical “kid stuff” to actually hurting people or destroying things. Being a foster parent requires huge wells of patience and love. The rewards can be powerful and unexpected.

If you choose to be a foster parent, be sure to do your research. If there is more than one agency in your area, talk to parents who work with both agencies so you can get a feel for how they handle things. Connect with other foster parents online and in your area as soon as possible. Experience can be vital and when you can learn from those with more experience you will be more likely to have a successful foster care experience.

Be prepared for the agency to question you thoroughly about your marital status and your reasons for being a foster parent. While many agencies welcome single foster parents, they do need to protect themselves and the kids in their care by making sure that you have the right motivations and a good understanding of what you are getting into.

Foster care can be risky, so knowing what you are getting into and how to protect yourself is important. False accusations have harmed many well intentioned foster parents and there are things you can do to reduce your risks.

This book is full of great advice for those who want to help a loved one struggling with infertility. The subtitle really says it all, “What you can do to help her, what to say to support her (and what you should never do or say.”

Fertility and infertility are deeply personal concepts that are publicly evaluated on a daily basis. Those for whom having children comes easily may have a hard time understanding the stress of wanting a baby so fully – and not having any assurance that parenthood will ever come. Even total strangers are quick to comment on whether or not you have kids, how many you have, and even how to have them if you aren’t successful on your own.

Family members and friends who mean well, but are misinformed, may add to the pain with comments that stab at the heart. If you have shared your fertility journey with loved ones, you have likely heard the many pieces of advice (“Are you doing it right? Have you tried a six-pack and the back seat of a car? Just relax and it will happen!”).

This book does an excellent job of explaining how to support an infertile loved one without adding to their pain. How much pain would be spared if every family member and friend of someone suffering from infertility were to read this book? Explaining infertility is so hard. For most people, avoiding an unplanned pregnancy is something they focus on quite a bit. Experts say that over half the pregnancies in the US are unplanned. So, for someone who is used to worrying about getting pregnant – the idea that pregnancy is difficult or impossible to achieve is hard to fathom. For the 1 in 6 couples who struggle with infertility, achieving a viable pregnancy is all-consuming.

There are many references to Christianity here, so be aware of that if it is a problem for you.

Filled with real examples and offering advice on dealing with all aspects of infertility, this is a wonderful resource for anyone dealing with infertility – and all of those who love and care for them.

Sayre does an excellent job of portraying the roller coaster of infertility without becoming maudlin. This book would make a great introduction to infertility for friends and family who want to understand what an infertile couple experiences. Those in the infertility trenches will feel as if they are lunching with a fellow sufferer. I admit to actually laughing out loud and my husband surely tired of, “How true!” quotes about Julia’s relationship with her husband.

Although I am also a self-published nonfiction author, I will admit to a certain amount of prejudice in seeing a self-published novel. The Waiting Womb is a good book that both benefits and suffers a bit from being self-published. An experienced editor would tighten up the story and remove the occasional distracting typo. A typical publishing house might have rejected it based on its subject matter and most certainly would have failed to market it effectively. “Who wants to read about infertility?”

Sayre has a gift for portraying the raw emotions of her infertility struggle, including the belief that there is a God with a higher purpose to be fulfilled in due time. Her style is all meat, no fluff so you’ll find yourself laughing, crying, and possibly losing your appetite at some of the vivid descriptions.

One truly masterful touch is that Sayre lets us see that a successful outcome to infertility treatments may be very, very different than what we imagine we want at the outset. There is more than one possible happy resolution to infertility – and the choice to parent well is a heroic one regardless of how you arrive or with whom you make the journey.

The Waiting Womb

When infertility threatens to drain all the passion from your relationship, here are some tips for protecting what really matters:

* Remember why you chose your partner. It probably wasn’t for their ability to produce a child. Take the time to relive the great memories together. Look through old pictures, talk about your courtship, gaze into each other’s eyes again.

* Spend time together just enjoying each other. Go out to dinner and really talk about everything except infertility. Take a picnic to a park. Wander a museum hand in hand.

* Plan a romantic interlude at a different time of the month. Take a shower or bath together, enjoy a leisurely weekend breakfast, go away for a weekend or shut yourselves in for the weekend. Take the time to be lovers with no thought to ovulation or timing. Just enjoy connecting emotionally again.

* Be kind to yourself. Infertility can feel like the ultimate betrayal or failure by your body. It can be hard to feel sexy when you are angry at your body. Give your body permission to be imperfect, then focus on what is right and good with your body. Being able to enjoy intimacy with your partner is one of those good things to celebrate.

For more ideas about how to keep your relationship healthy during the stress of infertility, check out these books:

Most people who experience infertility do eventually have a baby and many more adopt so it is a good idea to use this time wisely. In addition to giving you time you won’t have post-baby, using your waiting time wisely can make the infertility waiting much more bearable.

Here are some ideas for ways to use this time:

1. Take a vacation. Not only can a vacation help reduce your stress levels, making pregnancy that much more likely, it can also be a time to reconnect with your spouse. Infertility takes a toll on relationships and some time together can help you remember why you got together in the first place. Even if you are short on funds you can usually find a little money for an inexpensive weekend trip.

2. Keep a journal. Journal writing can reduce stress too and has been shown to improve your health. In addition, keeping a journal of this time can be a wonderful record for your child of how very much you wanted to have them.

3. Learn to knit. Knitting and other repetitive crafts can help to calm your mind and reduce stress. Now is the perfect time to knit that heirloom baby sweater set you always wanted for your child or you can make yourself a sweater or learn to make felted knits for handbags and other great items. Knitting (or crochet) gives you a very small thing to focus on when everything else seems to big. It is also an excellent activity for waiting rooms. Click here to get the popular knitting guide Stitch N Bitch: The Knitting Handbook

4. Scrapbook your past. While it can be difficult to look at your own baby pictures when you are suffering from infertility depression, now is the perfect time to scrapbook your relationship or your teen years. Not only is this a project you’ll never have time for with a little one under foot, it is also a great way to remind yourself of the good things in your life.

5. Speaking of good things, a gratitude journal can help to raise our spirits when infertility gets you down. Start keeping a small bound book with random notes about the things you are grateful for. Writing your blessings can raise your spirits and reading them can help to boost your mood when you can’t muster the energy to write. Try pasting in loving notes from your spouse or cards from friends to help remind you of the wonderful relationships you have.

6. Start your novel. You have always wanted to write a book. Now is the time to get that project under way. While you may initially have trouble focusing, once you put your mind into the project it can be a wonderful way to focus your energies while you wait to take tests. You can even take a laptop, PDA, or notepad to the doctor’s office to work while you wait. Setting reachable goals such as “5 pages per day” or “3 chapters by the end of the two-week-wait” can help to make the project workable. Click here to get the book You Can Write A Novel

7. Learn a sport such as golf or tennis. If the physical activity is ok with your doctor, finding a physical outlet for your stress can make the waiting easier. In addition, sunlight can help to boost your mood.

8. Take a class. Sign up for a community education class or a local art class. Learn to paint, cook Chinese food, garden or make soap. Learning a new skill can be fun, will help you meet new people, and it will give you something else to think about.

9. Study your religion or deepen your spirituality. Now is a time when you need all the faith you can muster. Studying the scriptures, attending mass, or joining a study group can help you to connect to others and reconnect with your faith. Often those who are experiencing infertility withdraw from religious activities because of the feeling that God must be punishing them. Not only is this untrue, it can separate you from your greatest source of strength at just the wrong time.

10. Go out with friends. Again, this is something you won’t have as much time for after your successful infertility treatments. More importantly, women experiencing infertility tend to isolate themselves. It can be difficult being around friends who have babies, but isolation can only deepen your depression and increase your stress level.

11. Start working on your “Life Merit Badges.” There are many things a woman pought to try or learn in her lifetime. Author Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolis offers a practical guide for grown up girls who want to learn new things. This book will have you trying things you never dreamed you’d learn. When your baby finally comes, you’ll have a host of new stories to tell them about their adventure seeking mama. Click here to learn more about You Can Do It: The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls.

First, we learned that my estrogen levels were really, really low. My doctor wants to wait and see what happens, but my initial research was turning up only a handful of potential reasons for low estrogen. Since I am not anorexic or a heavy-training athlete, I was not thrilled to see the other two potential reasons – early menopause or premature ovarian failure. It is too early to say if those issues are headed my way, since my FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels are fine. But, it is still a worrisome symptom and on top of the PCOS, not my favorite test result!

Then we got the sperm analysis test results back – and I was floored again. While the numbers were great overall (26 million, well above the expected 20 million) and the motility was great (60 percent, compared with an average of 40 percent), the morphology was not.

Morphology refers to the physical formation of sperm. In order to be effective, they need to be properly put together with a shapely head and just one, well-formed tail. If the head is too flat or oddly shaped, it can’t penetrate an egg. If the tail is doubled, twisted, broken or otherwise poorly shaped, the sperm can’t manuever well or swim well.

The University lab is fairly tough in grading, according to my doctor, but they assigned a score of only 11 percent properly formed – when they were looking for a more “normal” 30 percent. This was not good news. While you only need technically one sperm to do the job, it takes a lot of them to ensure the chance that one sperm will be able to finish the job.

So, what changes when both partners are infertile? Other than the obvious, that it is going to be harder for us to get pregnant than we thought, several other things have changed as well.

My husband is starting to understand what I have gone through all these years. Since he has two children (one from a previous marriage), he never had reason to believe that he might have any infertility issues. Now, he is starting to understand a bit of the grief and fear that accompanied me the many years I was trying to have my first baby.

It has also changed the way I am reacting to my own infertility. I feel less able to react to the monthly rollercoaster. I don’t want to be too upset when I fail to ovulate – since I am worried he will blame himself if we don’t have another baby.

We’ll work all of this out – we’ll find a way to have that second baby if there is a way. We’ll work through the emotional side of things. But this is different than it was when it was all just “me.”