Fertility Options Coach

Alice Domar, Ph.D., began working with a group of women experiencing infertility early in her career at the Harvard Medical School. When she found that women in her infertility support group became pregnant at an astounding rate, she didn’t even believe the results herself. Domar went on to found and direct the Mind/Body Program for infertility. Her work has changed how infertility is viewed and treated.

Domar found that women experiencing infertility were as depressed as women who had been diagnosed with a chronic illness. She developed a program that helped them work through the depression, restoring hope to their lives and repairing tattered marriages. As these women restored their faith in themselves, nearly one third of them became pregnant.

Domar’s advice is far different than the simplistic “relax and you’ll get pregnant” platitudes offered by those who do not understand infertility. While she does focus on how stress and depression change our fertility, she also looks at the real aspects of how emotion changes our bodies. We all know people who are total stress-magnets who get pregnant easily – so stress alone is not the culprit in infertility.

Domar’s book offers a look at how strong emotions can impair fertility. Her writing shows her deep caring and understanding of the rigors of infertility treatments, depression and the longing for the elusive goal of motherhood.

Reading this book may not get you pregnant, but whatever the results of your fertility journey, you will have new tools and newfound strength to cope. Domar has written several books on women’s health and how emotion impacts our bodies. I highy recommend any of her books. I have read several and have found them to be very useful in my infertility journey.

One of the common realities for women experiencing infertility is the pervasive depression that is so often unrecognized. Kelly Damron’s story is typical of the journey shared by so many who suffer from infertility.

“Tiny Toes” is Damron’s personal story of how infertility, treatment and the eventual birth of very premature twins impacted her personally as well as how it impacted her marriage. Damron does a good job of explaining the medical terms and events of her journey without interrupting the flow of her story.

Whether you are just beginning your infertility journey or whether you are experienced in navigating the emotional and medical mine field that is infertility, Damron’s story will feel familiar. Her personal account is bound to make you feel less alone.

One of the most important messages Damron shares is that recognizing and treating depression is vital for healing from the scars of infertility and in preserving relationships. Women (and men) who are experiencing infertility often deny their feelings of depression or anger because they feel that they “should” be handling things better or that what they are experiencing is trivial. Often there is a feeling that “with so many bad things in the world, I should just be able to deal with this.” Others deny their feelings because they are so strong that looking directly at the feelings is simply toomuch to deal with in the midst of handling infertility. Treating depression can make it easier to handle the ups and downs of infertility as well as improving the outcome of treatment. Alice Domar’s work has shown that women who get help dealing with the grief and depression of infertility have a better chance of becoming pregnant.

Damron’s story of the tension in her relationship with her husband and her withdrawal from friends and extended family are also a common experience with those who are experiencing the extreme grief that can accompany infertility.

O Day: Positive ovulation predictor test yesterday. Perfect BBT temperature chart so far. Tons of cervical mucus. It is working. Please let this be the perfect egg. And his eyes. I want the baby to have his eyes. If I get pregnant today, my due date will be…just a week before his birthday. How perfect would that be?

4 DPO (days past ovulation): I think I feel sick to my stomach. I can’t know already can I? My mom said she could tell from day 1 with her first baby. Maybe I really am pregnant. Thank goodness, no more infertility treatments, no more stupid questions about when we are planning to have kids.

7 DPO: I can start testing Thursday. No, wait, the tests say they might work as early as Monday. Maybe I should, just so I know for sure. I mean, they say to start being careful about your diet from the beginning. How will I know I need to be careful unless I test early. Well, a doughnut now won’t hurt the baby.

12 DPO: If I test too soon it is a waste of a test. Besides, those things add up. And a negative test will just depress me. I need to know. I hate suspense, I just need to know! White, just pure white where that line should be. This is only day 12! Of course, it just doesn’t work yet. I might BE pregnant.

13 DPO: Is that a line? There is a little bit of a different color where the positive line is supposed to be. Kind of. Wait, no, that is a trick of the light. Evaporation lines? A really light positive. No, it has been ten minutes. I will NOT cry.

14 DPO 7 AM: I am not even going to test. My temp chart is still up. Testing again will jinx it. I’ll wait until next week and the positive will be so dark I can’t mistake it. My period will start today if I am not pregnant anyway.

14 DPO 10 AM: I will NOT test yet. Dangit, was that a cramp. That felt like a cramp. I ca’t get my period. Please, dear Lord, don’t let me get my period. I want a baby, this baby, this month, I need to be pregnant this time. I can’t take another “negative panty test.” No, that wasn’t a cramp. It could have been implantation pains. Right?

14 DPO 10:30 AM: I can’t take it. I need to test NOW. Where is that test?

14 DPO 10:40 AM: I have to STOP crying long enough to go to this meeting. I can do this. We’ll just try again next month. I can do this. Maybe I don’t even want kids. Noisy, messy things. I need to just travel, or get a hobby, or …. Why on earth did I wear mascara today? You’d think I’d learn. What is wrong with me? Why can a 15 year old kid in the back seat of a car do something that I can’t get right even with a team of trained professionals, expensive drugs, temperature charts and a baby-dance card that was punched in time, every time?

15 DPO: Still no period. I must be pregnant. I’m late, the test is just not registering right. I am one of those women who just takes forever to test positive. I think I feel a little sick to my stomach. And tired. I definitely feel tired. See, late period, sick to my stomach, tired. This is our month. I can just feel it.

17 DPO: Three days late. I knew it, we are going to have a spring baby. That is so cool. Maybe I could just surf on over to that cool online store and see the cute stuff. I mean, if I am pregnant, I need to start planning, right? What was that store called… Yes! Little for Now. I’ve waited long enough for this baby. I am doing everything right. No chemicals will pass my child’s lips until they are 18. I’ll breast feed til they potty train. I’ll get it right, cause I have worked too hard for this baby to take even the smallest risk that anything could ever go wrong. I’ll be the perfect mother.

Day 17 3:00 PM: Here I am, slumped against the wall in the bathroom, sobbing so hard I can’t catch my breath. Why was I so stupid? I should have known I wasn’t pregnant. I need to just accept that I will never have a baby. I’ll learn to sew, or paint, or …. Oh, Gid! Why? I know a thousand people who don’t even treat their kids right. Why?

CD 1: I’m going to do it this month, I’ll make sure we baby dance every other day, the whole month, no matter how tired I am. I’ll eat only organic food. I won’t have a sip of caffeine. No white sugar. No white flour. I’ll gag down 20 vitamins and herbs and even use injectables if I must.

No matter what holiday you celebrate in late fall and early winter, chances are your extended family will gather together. You’ll see friends from far away. Cards full of cute family photos will line your mantel. Your holiday cards this year will seem so empty, what with only two signatures instead of the traditional “With love from Jane, John, Muffy, Buffy, Lulu and Rover!” You’ll steel yourself for all of this. It isn’t a big deal. You’ll probably have a baby by this time next year, you tell yourself.

You might even believe this for a while. Then it happens. A chance remark from a friend. The site of a belly swelling with life. The “When are you two going to have kids? Don’t you like kids?” questions may trigger it. Maybe it is that darned toy store ad. At some point your stoic demeanor snaps and you are struggling to hold back waves of emotion. Tears fall through wracking sobs and you wonder if perhaps you just aren’t somehow fated to be a parent.

Depression, grief and sadness are often unwelcome visitors for any couple experiencing infertility. The holidays are a particularly tough time for most of us. Not only do the holidays bring an emphasis on family, they are also a reminder that another year has passed without a baby. Insensitive questions and remarks can make an already difficult situation harder.

Some people will take insensitivity to a whole new level. Avoiding these toxic people is ideal, but in some cases this is not possible. Someone in my life has made a point of making snide remarks and rude comments about my inability to have children. Every holiday, even my birthday, she finds a way to point out that she is a parent and I am not. Sometimes she is direct if no one else is around, “Maybe that is why you aren’t supposed to have kids.” Other times she is more subtle beause others can hear. I know she is likely to say or do hurtful things, but I can’t avoid her any more than I do because of the situation. When it is not possible to avoid that person, you can plan how you will react.

This woman was approaching her due date of her third child when the topic of my 34th birthday came up in a group discussion. I mentioned that this one would be really hard since I was so close to 35 and still no baby. She wrote me an email the next day telling me not to come see the baby when she was born because I might make the new baby sick. Then she invited all my entire family to the hospital without me (I am the only one with germs?). Finally, showed up at my home with the baby just days later — on my birthday.

I knew the visit was a possibility, so I was able to make my excuses and leave. In other cases I have simply had to grin and bear it, but I prepare myself as much as possible in advance, knowing that chances are SOMETHING will be said.

One very effective way of handling grief and depression is to journal. Writing about how you feel can change the feelings of helplessness and make you feel empowered. Writing out your feelings can also help to calm you and make it easier to stay level in a difficult situation.

Volunteer work can also help. Plan to spend part of your holiday in a soup kitchen or distributing stockings or gifts at a homeless shelter. Not only will you be doing good, you’ll feel better. Studies show that helping others actually improves your health and boosts feel good brain chemicals.

If you are up for it emotionally, consider offering respite care during the holidays for foster children. Many foster parents ask for or must use relief foster care during the holidays if they are unable or unwilling to travel with their foster child. You will need to be approved as a foster parent in your area, but this can be a rewarding way to help a less fortunate child at a time when they will also be experiencing grief and sadness due to separation from their birth families.

However you decide to ease the pain, be sure to give yourself some time to grieve. Grieving is not the same as wallowing in misery. But a hot bath and a good cry the night before the family party can help to release the pressure so you can enjoy the holidays without a public crying jag. Give yourself permission to be sad. You are experiencing something very painful – it is normal to be hurting. Put a time limit on how long you will spend on this, then move on to something else so you don’t get lost in it.

It is possible to get through the holidays with a minimum if heartache over infertility. When possible, be sure you don’t miss out on too many holiday activities as that can also increase your sadness. If all else fails, wear a sarcastic sweatshirt and go to the big gathering anyway!

Infertility Hurts Sweatshirt