Fertility Options Coach

Infertility is very, very stressful. Writing in a journal can help lower your stress level and help you improve your chances of success with fertility treatments. Journaling is an extremely effective method for lowering anxiety and encouraging healing. Keeping a journal helps you to develop a dialogue with yourself. Writing regularly can help reduce anxiety and depression, and may lead to insights on how to heal your body.

“After I started keeping a journal, I noticed that my symptoms were worse when I was sleep-deprived,” Andrea said. “I guess I just didn’t make the connection until I saw how often I wrote that I was overtired and that my blood sugar levels were much more out of whack than usual.”

James Pennebaker, Ph.D., a research psychologist at the University of Texas at Austin, has conducted numerous studies on the physical benefits of journal writing. His 1997 book Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotion, details numerous studies showing that people who write about traumatic experiences feel better emotionally and physically. He found that after writing about difficult emotions study participants had stronger immune function and fewer doctor visits than those who only wrote about their everyday lives.

A groundbreaking 1999 study detailed the effect of writing about stressful events for the chronically ill. Researchers at the State University of New York at Stony Brook asked 112 patients with asthma or rheumatoid arthritis to write 20 minutes a day for three days. Some were told to write about the most stressful event of their lives; others were asked to write about their plans for the day.

After four months, asthma patients who wrote about stressful events showed a 19 percent improvement in lung function, and rheumatoid arthritis sufferers had a 28 percent improvement in overall symptoms. There was no change in those who had only written about daily plans. (Journ. Amer. Med. Assoc., April 1999, 281:14)

Emptying your brain on paper can also help with stress relief and improve sleep problems. Kathleen Adams, founder/director of the Center for Journal Therapy and author of Journal to the Self and The Way of the Journal, refers to this as containment. “Use your journal book literally as a container,” she advises. “…When you write, you are moving thoughts, feelings and energy out of your mind and body and into a neutral, receptive place where they will be stored safely for you.” Even this seemingly simple act can do wonders for your stress and anxiety levels.

I was one of those little girls who rocked dolls for hours. I played house, I decorated elaborate dollhouses. Being a mother was my ultimate dream. I expected motherhood to come easily and naturally–the way it did for almost everyone I knew. Infertility hit me like a meteor. Nothing could seem so unfair, so random, so personally devastating. Whether you were a doll kind of kid or a playing with snakes in the creek kind of kid, you likely thought that a baby would naturally come when or if you were ready. Infertility was likely as much of a shock to you as it was to most of the other 1 in 6 couples who experience infertility.

The authors of “Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility” are personally familiar with infertility. Each of them has their own story of how infertility came calling and all are psychologists who work with others who are experiencing infertility. They offer real advice for understanding why infertility is so emotionally pervasive. The authors get to the core of the reason infertility is so painful–losing the ability to have a baby at will is also losing a part of our reproductive story.

From our earliest days we start to build a story about what our lives wil be like and what kind of parents we will be. Infertility strikes at more than the chronology of when we can expect a baby–it can make us feel vulnerable, alone and out of control. It can even change our core idea of who we are.

This is a must read for anyone who is coping with the pain of infertility. Even if you are still in the journey, this book can help you understand your reactions to this overwhelming condition.

Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping with Infertility

Depression, anxiety and other psychological issues can be a serious problem for women suffering from infertility. In addition to the grief over not having the child you dream of, hormones, body image, and lack of support can wreak havoc on your psyche.

Alice Domar, who has done a great deal of research on the mind-body issues of infertility, found in one study that women with infertility were more likely to suffer from depression than many other groups. Women with infertility were found to be more depressed than even women with cancer. The only group in Domar’s study who had higher rates of depression were those suffering from chronic pain.

Major depressive disorder, the clinical name for severe or prolonged depression, is more common than most people realize. The symptoms as defined by the psychiatric reference book Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV (DSM-IV), include depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure combined with at least four of the following: sleep disturbances, weight loss, changes in appetite, psychomotor agitation, feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt, impaired cognition or concentration and recurrent thoughts of death. Generally these symptoms must persist for two or more weeks to be diagnosed as clinical depression.

In addition to the depression issues stemming from infertility, the reason you are infertile can play a role in depression. Women suffering from PCOS (a common cause of infertility) are more likely to suffer from depression than women without the disorder, according to a study in the May 2003 issue of Journal of Affective Disorders (Rasgon N, et al.). The study showed that women with PCOS are depressed not only because of the symptoms but also because of the underlying biology of PCOS.

Numerous studies have shown that exercise is of great benefit in reducing the severity of depression. A brisk 30-minute walk or jog three times a week may be just as effective in relieving the symptoms of major depression as the standard anti-depressant medications, according to an article from the American Council on Exercise reporting the results of a study done at the Duke University Medical Center. Lead researcher James Blumenthal suggested that exercise may be beneficial because patients are actually taking an active role in trying to get better.

“Simply taking a pill is very passive,” he said. “Patients who exercised may have felt a greater sense of mastery over their condition and gained a greater sense of accomplishment. They felt more self-confident and had better self-esteem because they were able to do it themselves, and attributed their improvement to their ability to exercise.”

In addition, anti-depressants simply don’t work for some people. According to a 2000 New England Journal of Medicine study the medications fail to help one-third of people suffering from mild to moderate depression and half of those suffering from chronic depression.

Light therapy may help with seasonal depression, such as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Sufferers of SAD find that they become depressed when the days are shorter, they are indoors for too much of the day, or when they are subject to long-periods of cloudy weather.

Clearly, if you are suffering from severe depression you won’t want to wait for relief and should seek out competent medical care as quickly as possible. But, if you are suffering from mild depression, or you are already under treatment, exercise is a good option with few negative side effects. Other successful treatments for depression include herbs, psychotherapy, prayer, and acupuncture.

I am not an expert on religion or a cleric of any sort. I am simply a woman of faith who has faced infertility for many years. No matter what religion you belong to, or even if you are person of faith without religious ties, infertility can force you to look deep within yourself for answers.

Most of the world’s religions teach that family matters. When you can not have a child it can make you feel as if you are breaking a chain. Does your family tree end with you? How can you pass along the faith of your fathers or the wisdom of your ancestors without children? How can you leave a legacy without a child who will one day have children of their own? Infertility can leave you feeling lonely and alone.

One way to counter this feeling of aloneness is to volunteer. Working with children may be too painful for you, but you can always find a place where your time and talents will make a difference in the world. This can help you to find meaning and take you outside of yourself to ease the pain. If you can handle working with children, or on their behalf through a foundation or other charity, you may find that this helps to give you a sense of accomplishment.

For many couples facing infertility, it can be difficult to maintain regular attendance at religious meetings. This can make the feeling of aloneness even more profound. Whether you meet in a mosque, a synagogue or a church, chances are you’ll feel out of place without children of your own. You may be able to locate a local or online group of women who are of your faith who also deal with infertility. This can be tremendously comforting to find this kind of support.

It is easy to feel that infertility is some kind of punishment from God. We need not look far in the scriptures to find references to children as a gift from God. However, we can also look to the scriptures for reassurance that we are not alone in this painful path of infertility. Abraham and Sarah, Rachel, Hannah and others suffered from infertility, even as the scriptures outline their faith. Through their stories we can know that infertility is not a punishment and that we should not give up hope.

When the spectre of infertility weighs heavily on my heart I comfort myself with these thoughts:

“Only God can know the full plan for my life. Only by trusting in Him can I reach my potential. I do not know what miracles I may be a part of in this part of my life that would not be possible if I were raising a child right now. In due time that child may come. If not, I will know that I have done all I can to welcome that child and all I can to follow His plan.”

The following books may of value to you on your journey:

From a Christian perspective:

From a Jewish perspective:

Secondary infertility is just as common as primary infertility, but it is much less obvious. Once a couple has had one or more babies, they may still have difficulty having more. When you yearn for a baby, it hurts.

Whether the “missing” baby is your first or a second or even third or more, it is still painful when you desire a baby and you are not able to conceive. The problem is, once you have a baby those who do not understand infertility assume that the pain goes away. Wanting a baby you can’t have always hurts. No matter how many children you have, when that choice is taken from you, the pain is still there.

My daughter was born almost a year ago, and after many months of trying to conceive a second child, I realized that this second baby is not going to come as easily as I had hoped. When we were surprised by our little miracle baby’s conception, I dreamed that my fertility problems were over. Almost as soon as I had recovered from child birth, we were trying for baby number two. I was hopeful that by starting again so soon, we’d catch the positive hormones from the pregnancy and I would get pregnant easily.

Now, as my daughter’s first birthday is just weeks away and my own 38th birthday looms, I am back on the infertility rollercoaster. I hate rollercoasters. Especially those with no clear end in sight.

Due to my age and history, we decided to start off with more aggressive tactics in addition to the natural ones that brought us Eva. So, with some polite persistance, I managed to get an appointment with my doctor within a couple of weeks instead of several months as we were first told. I just started a round of Clomid and I am planning what natural treatments I am going to add to the medical ones (never, ever mix herbs and fertility drugs!).

The good news with secondary infertility is that at least you start knowing that a baby is possible – that is very comforting after so many years of wondering if I would ever have a baby at all. But the worries are just as strong. Will my daughter be my only child by birth? Since we are not likely to qualify for adoption due to our financial situation, the threat that we may never have another child is very real.

Already I am sick of hearing, “You should be grateful you have one.” I am grateful – every single day I wake up next to my daughter and thank God I have this amazing little girl. That simply does not erase the pain of wondering if the fleeting months of her first year are the “baby” I get.

If you are facing secondary infertility, understand that your feelings are just as real and natural as they are for anyone facing infertility. You have a right to want a baby. You have the right to mourn being able to have a baby as easily as others do. You have a right to feel the ache of empty arms – and to do all you can to reach your goal of having another baby.